إزا بتفهم إنكليزي لكن شوف هالنكت اللي حتفرطك من الضحك ورجاء من البنات اللي فايتين يطلعوا بسرعة ما يقروهن بليــز والشباب اللي فوق ال16 بس يقروهن ومسموح للعواشر اللي عمرهن 15 يقروهن لأنهن بيفهموا منيح ولا تخاف يا خالد مافيها قلة قدب بس نكت للبالغين ولاحظ مافي ولا كلمة مشفرة ,وحتى آخر كم وحدة مافيهن شي والله والنكت سهلة كتير وبتنفهم بسرعة وخصوصا إنكن بتعرفوا نص معاني الكلمات اللي فيها
1-Women and Pool Tables
What is the difference between a woman and a pool table?
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.
2-WARNING virus: ALERT NERDS
There is a new virus : Viagra !
It turns your 3.5'' floppy into a hard drive!!!
تحذييير فيروووس جديد
في فيروووس جديد إسمو فياغرا بخلي سواقة الفلوبي 3.5 اللي عندك تصير هارد درايف
3-The Professor of dirty jokes
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
إستاز النكت البذيئة
بزمناتو كان في إستاز كان دائما يبلش حصتو بنكتة سوقية وبعد نكتة معينة مو منيحة قرروا البنات اللي بالصف إنهن يطلعوا منو بس يبلش الإستاز بالنكت البذيئة المرة الجاية.قام شم الإستاز ريحة هالمؤامرة قام راح اليوم التاني وفات عالصف وصار يقول:"صباح الخير, إسمعتو بنقص العـاهرات بكندا ولما سمعوا البنات اللي بالصف هالحكي حملو حالهن وتوجهوا عالباب "لحظة إستنوا يا آنسات مشان الله لا تروحوا لبكرا ليطلع القارب عهنيك!!ء"
4-One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
في يوم من الأيام
فاتت الآنسة عالصف وتوجهت عاللوح قامت إنتبهت إنو في واحد كاين كاتب عاللوح كلمة "قضيب" بأحرف صغيرة قامت دارة وشها ودورت عالطالب اللي شكلو هوي اللي عاملها, بس ما لقت حدا قامت مسحتها بسرعة وبلشت درسها
باليوم التاني فاتت عالغرفة وشافت بأحرف أكبر كلمة "قضيب" مرة تانية عاللوح قامت دورت عهالحقير اللي عمل الجرم بس ما لقتو ولمدة إسبوع كل مرة بتفوت عالصف وبتلاقيها مكتوبة بأحرف أكبر من المرة الماضية وبتمسحها
وأخيرا بيوم من الأيام فاتت عالصف متوقعة تترحب بهالكلمة بس بدالها لقت مكتوب
(كل ما فركتي كل ما صار أكبر)
5-Have you ever heard in the Wonder Bra
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
6-Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, ?There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.?
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, ?Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.?
Hillary said, ?Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.?
She was about to leave, but then she said, ?Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars??
Bill replied, ?That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.?
7-Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
8-Dirty and Clean Jokes
Want to hear a dirty joke? A man fell in mud.
Want to hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was his neighbor!!!
9-Wanna hear a puzzle? here is one:
What's long, hard, and full of seamen?
بدك تسمع أحجية طيب هي وحدة:
شي طويل وقاسي وفيو شغلات بتسبح شو هوي؟
10-A virgin hick
Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"
11-Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman because there is no such thing called the perfect man and Santa Claus they aren''t real
A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven't heard any complaints."
13-What is the clumsiest insect?
The Bumbling Bee.
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive?
"Honey, I'm Home!"
What is a bee's favorite band?
The Bee Gees.
What was their #1 song?
"Stay in the Hive."
14-The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''
''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
15-Q:Wanna hear a Knock, knock joke?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes
What does XXX stand for in a porno film?
It's the signature of the three blondes who act in it.
ليش الرمز إكس إكس إكس هوي رمز الأفلام الإباحية؟
لأنو علامة عالشقراوات التلاتة اللي مثلو فيو
17-Two Blondes and a Lake
There were two blondes, one was on one side of the lake and one was on the other. One blonde yelled to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde yelled back, "You're already on the other side!"
كان في بنتين شقر وحدة عالطرف من بحيرة والتانية عالطرف التاني, قامت وحدة نادت للتانية:شلون بدي إوصل للطرف التاني؟
قالتلها التانية إنتي هلأ بالطرف التاني
18-Why are Blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can understand them.
ليش النكت اللي عن الشقراوات سطر واحد؟
مشان تقدر تفهمها برينيتس
19-Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
It makes them feel popular.
ليش الشقراوات بحبوا النكت اللي عليهن؟
لأنها بتخليهن يحسوا إنهن محبوبين
20-How many blonde jokes are there?
None, they're all true!-
كم نكتة عن الشقراوات في؟
ولا وحدة كلهن صحيحات
21-Blondes Love Puzzles
There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ''44 days! 44 days!'' One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ''Why are you chanting 44 days?'' She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ''A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!'''
A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling. His wife asks him what is so funny.
''''A limerick I heard today at work. But I can''t tell you,'''' he says. ''''It''s too dirty.''''
''''Don''t worry, I''ve heard them all,'''' she replies.
''''I really can''t, it''s the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!''''
''''OK,'''' his wife says. ''''How about you tell it, but substitute the word ''beep'' in the place of the really dirty words.''''
''''Fine,'''' he says. ''''Here goes: Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep. Beep-beep beep beep beep, beep-beep beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep.''''
23-I Gonna Back to Italy
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma batch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma batch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma batch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma batch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma batch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma batch. I gonna back to Italy''
24-A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
25-A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
26-Jane's Dirty Mind
Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, ?What grows to 10 times its original size when excited??
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, ?I know! The pupil of the eye.? The teacher replied, ?Yes, very good Jimmy.?
The the teacher turned to Jane and said, ?Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!?
27-What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
شو بيقولوا للزلمة لما بيحكي حكي قليل قدب مع وحدة؟
طب شو بيقولوا للوحدة لما تحكي حكي قليل قدب مع زلمة؟
3.99 دولار عالدقيقة
وإنشاء الله يكونوا عجبوكون وحجيبلكن غيرهن قريبا إنشاء الله
وباقي الترجمة قريبا إنشاء الله
وإزا في شقراوات لا يزعلوا مني بليـــز لأنها كانت نكت
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL